


Peter A. Walter I Grants a Rare Interview...

by The_Whistler



Series: Honeybee... One Person's Theory [1]
Category: Steam Powered Giraffe
Genre: Gen, Humor, Love, Robots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-17
Updated: 2013-05-17
Packaged: 2017-12-12 03:47:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/806847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Whistler/pseuds/The_Whistler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Close to the end of his life, Col. Peter A. Walter consents to speak to a reporter about the past... something that until then he hadn't wanted to do. The reporter has a particular area of interest, however...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Peter A. Walter I Grants a Rare Interview...

**Author's Note:**

> I never thought I'd return to this work, but someone made something that goes with it perfectly. Honeybee, as if it was on a vinyl record.
> 
> http://foxboros.tumblr.com/post/125398652930/another-one-this-time-with-one-of-the-most-lovely

San Diego, 1942. Interview with Colonel Peter Walter by Mike Connor, reporter for the New York Times. Colonel Walter speaks about his robots, and about the 1933 Honeybee scandal:

 

MC: And… we’re recording. Good morning, Colonel Walter.

CW: Good morning, Mr. Connor.

MC: Please, you can just call me Mike. Thank you for agreeing to speak to me.

CW: Think nothing of it.

MC: Well, as you know better than I do, your robots have developed quite a reputation for heroism on the battlefield. The public wants to know more about them.

CW: Alright. What exactly did you want to talk about?

MC: You’re direct, Colonel. I like that. Well, I have a list of questions prepared, but I’d like to start by discussing a particular event that has piqued public interest for years… The incident at the Chicago World’s Fair.

CW: You mean the time I had to pay the city $150 because Jon stripped off and jumped into the big fountain?

MC: No… wait… I think I would actually like to get into that later. Did they mind him being naked or being in the fountain?

CW: Well, it was a public decency citation, so…

MC: Why would they care about a naked robot?

CW: Have you ever seen a naked robot?

MC: Oh…

CW: Relax! I’m just pulling your leg. I know what you’re talking about.

MC: Oh, wonderful. Then, can you tell me what happened? There are so many different stories that it’s next to impossible to chase down the truth.

CW: Well, let’s see. We were playing the Fair in 1933 for a limited period of time, just a few weeks. I did hope to return before the end of it for another engagement, but… well, things don’t always go as planned. I couldn’t go back without Rabbit. To be honest, they didn’t really want us back…

MC: Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. If you could start by explaining how you ended up involved in the Honeybee demonstration…

CW: Oh, I did it as a favor to Geoffrey.

MC: That’s Professor Geoffrey Secret, inventor of the Honeybee?

CW: He invented her, yes. He said he was trying to make a simple robot… that’s simple in comparison to my boys, mind you, not really conscious the way they are.

MC: I understand.

CW: I really doubt that. Well, he designed her to stand in the lobbies of office buildings, to swivel and greet the visitors as they came in, give them a big thrill and make the business look ritzy. He’d managed to program her to offer a specific greeting to each one. And he promised me that she was not self-aware.

MC: Is that important?

CW: It is to me. Where you see something that sophisticated, you have to ask yourself how it’s done. I don’t want to see any more experiments like that going on… I don’t really have more to say on that topic.

MC: Very well, then. You said “she” in reference to the Honeybee project. Could you explain why?

CW: Well, around our place, that’s how it is. They aren’t things, they’re people. And what with Rabbit… well, anyway, she did look like a woman, if a woman has antennae and wings. Does it really make a difference?

MC: Well, it’s interesting to my readers. The humanizing of machines. It helps the story.

CW: Alright, she was a pretty lady robot, if you like…

MC: Please, Colonel, just tell it in your own words.

CW: That’s what I’ve been doing. (clears throat) She was certainly pretty. So the reason I ended up allowing Geoffrey to use the boys for the demonstration was that he begged me to do it. He said I was his hero, that his interest in science was sparked when he saw the Steam Man Band as a boy. I was fairly flattered. So we came to help him demonstrate what his robot could do. Besides, I thought it might be fun for them.

MC: Do robots have fun?

CW: Mine do.

MC: Ah, yes. What was it that he wanted from you, exactly?

CW: Oh, show business. You know. He had a product and he needed people to take an interest, so mostly what we had to do involved drawing attention. We planned a little greeting for each of my boys… oh, except Hatchworth. He’d taken to sneaking out to the theater and watching James Cagney and Eddie Robinson pictures. He’d picked up a few phrases that I didn’t think would go over well in a public display. I left him to watch the bandstand. So as I was saying, each one had a little routine. I think the only one who followed his to the letter was The Spine. As usual.

MC: So how did the demonstration go, then?

CW: Geoffrey gave his big speech, thanked everyone, sounded like he was accepting an Oscar. He pulled the curtain on Honeybee and everyone made little cooing sounds at the pretty robot. He called us and I shuffled the boys out in their standby state… all part of the plan.

MC: Standby state?

CW: I suppose you’d compare it to being in a trance. They can be set to walk or stay in place, and to respond to simple commands, or they can be left to it and will come online once all operations are ready. It also kicks automatically to refresh their systems between songs.

MC: Ah… yes…

CW: (sigh) They were sleepwalking. Think of it that way.

MC: Alright.

CW: Once they were lined up, he got Honeybee to call them by name, and each one was supposed to come fully online when he heard his name. That part went smoothly enough… they all woke up. The Spine tipped his hat to the crowd, but Jon smiled and looked at his hands, and Rabbit waved both arms and grinned like a Cheshire Cat. Nothing new there.

MC: I recall that Rabbit calls him “The Jon.”

CW: Yes, he does.

MC: (pause) Go on.

CW: Geoffrey called their attention to Honeybee. Jon took one look and pulled his hat over his eyes. (laughs) Steam started seeping out the top. He always was like a little boy. The things I had to do to get him to war... he never wanted to hurt anyone. (sighs) Well, so The Spine just tipped his hat again, but Rabbit… well, Rabbit just froze in place. I figured he’d gone on the fritz again. But when I checked his boiler, everything was pumping along fine. He was running a little hot, mind you.

MC: So Rabbit wasn’t malfunctioning, but he also wasn’t his normal self?

CW: Normal? I don’t think I know what that is, Mike. You know, I think the scariest thing I’ve seen in this world is the belief that not only is there such a thing as normal, but that it’s something to be desired.

MC: (sighs) So… did you have any idea whether Rabbit had seen Honeybee before?

CW: It’s possible. I really don’t know. She’d been standing there for weeks. He did sometimes slip out after a concert on his own. He always came back…

MC: Colonel, are you telling me that you’ve let at least two of your robots roam around unobserved?

CW: Unobserved? Nonsense! Where would Rabbit hide in the Chicago World’s Fair?

MC: But public safety…

CW: You sound just like the cops. Do you want the rest of the story or not?

MC: My apologies, Colonel. Please go on.

CW: In any case, Hatchworth is in storage at the moment, so you needn’t worry about him. And The Spine…

MC: Really, it doesn’t matter… The Spine?

CW: I’ll get into it later. Anyway, at the time, I thought for sure something had come loose. He doesn’t usually… well, he doesn’t stand still unless he’s switched off, to tell the truth. So I started checking various access panels while Geoffrey went on with the show.

MC: Did either of the other robots have problems?

CW: No. Well… I take it back. Jon didn’t want to go through with it. He finally shuffled over and wiggled his fingers at her. She waved back and said, “Hello, The Jon.” As I recall, he bolted and hid behind The Spine. Not the best place, all things considered.

MC: That’s not really the sort of problem I meant.

CW: Then no, they didn’t. So Rabbit’s mouth was opening and closing but no sound was coming out, so I started to open his neck panel, see if maybe he had a loose connection. That’s when The Spine went up. He always cuts a sharp figure when he’s dressed up for a concert, so we’d asked him to really make a show of it. He said, “Good morning, Miss Honeybee,” and swept his hat straight off into a low bow. You should have heard the ladies in the crowd! And Honeybee said, “Good afternoon, The Spine,” and curtseyed; they loved that, too.

MC: So she changed her response to match his greeting.

CW: What they did, she reciprocated. Yes. I admit I was impressed. Good thing I was watching them or I’d have regretted it, when that jet of steam shot out of Rabbit’s cheeks.

MC: Cheeks? Oh, you mean the vents on his face.

CW: Well, naturally I… (pause) Now, really, Mike…

MC: A misunderstanding, Colonel, my apologies. Steam shot out of his face.

CW: Yes. Gave me a turn, I’ll tell you that. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. Then The Spine walked around Jon and back to his spot. But Rabbit didn’t wait for Geoffrey to call him next. He was across the stage in seconds, standing nose to nose with Honeybee.

MC: Secret made her that tall?

CW: No, she was on a dais, kind of a lazy susan affair. So he’s standing there, steam pouring out his cheeks until I was sure he was going to run himself dry. He started flapping his jaws again without a sound. I was about to tell the crowd that his vocal assembly was malfunctioning, when he spoke. All he said was, “Hello, Honeybee,” but it gave me a start.

MC: In what way?

CW: The way he said it. Kind of quiet, and low… he sounded a lot like The Spine. I don’t know if he thought that would be more impressive or if it just came out that way. So of course, she said, “Hello, Rabbit,” kind of soft and sweet in response. I swear he closed his eyes and sighed.

MC: Robots also sigh. I’m learning a lot today.

CW: Good, good. Yes, he sighed. And he was smiling, so she smiled, too. He opened his eyes just as she did. Well, then, I kid you not, he dropped to one knee. The crowd was dead silent at this point. I don’t know whether they thought it was staged, but they were completely absorbed. Though come to think of it, why would we have staged it? What good would it do to demonstrate her ability to make eyes at men?

MC: Best not to think of it.

CW: Hm, yes. Well, Rabbit must have triggered something when he dropped, because she offered her hand to him. It looked very old-fashioned, very courtly. I was just thinking we should have had The Spine do that one when Geoffrey started hissing at me.

MC: Hissing?

CW: Trying to get my attention. Meanwhile, there’s Rabbit, looking up at Honeybee like he was worshiping at her feet. He was already reaching for her hand. The whole thing took seconds, honestly. Geoffrey was hissing at me to stop Rabbit, that he mustn’t hold her hand. I was about to ask why not, when all Hell broke loose. No, I take it back… the first thing that happened was just surprising. Rabbit caught up her hand and kissed it. I laughed. Imagine a teenaged boy suddenly dropping to one knee and kissing a woman’s hand. It was… well, it was cute.

MC: You see Rabbit as a teenaged boy?

CW: I do, you know. He’s energetic, tries to act grown-up but is still child-like, throws tantrums, has a smart mouth, and can be quite unpredictable. My sons were like that all through their teens.

MC: Touché. So when did things get out of hand?

CW: That was a pun. How very fitting. Well, it was right after Rabbit kissed her hand. He started getting back up just as Geoffrey was hissing at me to stop him. Honeybee said, “How do you do, Rabbit?” and her arm shot out and struck him, oh, about here… the upper chest area… with enough force to launch him across the entry hall!

MC: Ye gods…

CW: It was pandemonium in there, people screaming and running for their lives, and for good reason. My robots are not easy to launch across a room. He flew right at Jon and The Spine, but of course they have the reflexes to get out of the way. Jon screamed and hit the dirt; cracked the little stage pretty badly. The Spine had a split second longer and did a neat side-step. Rabbit lit halfway across the Hall with a sound like a bomb going off inside a kettle drum. There was a big dent in the floor.

MC: Was anyone hurt?

CW: I think he caught one guy across the side… yes, that was it, because I had to pay his doctor bill.

MC: But how could the Honeybee have launched a robot that heavy, that far without damage?

CW: Well, she didn’t. She was pretty badly damaged. Her right arm was hanging by a few wires at the elbow, and she was tipped forward on her dais. The really unnerving part was the way she kept swiveling from side to side, saying, “Rabbit? Rabbit? Rabbit?”

MC: But… why do you think she was doing that?

CW: That was the last thing she’d said before it happened, wasn’t it? It makes sense. She was damaged and caught in a loop.

MC: But, Colonel… isn’t it bound to seem as though she was calling for him?

CW: (pause) You’ve heard that version, have you?

MC: Of course, but I can see where it comes from. It sounds as though she was afraid she’d hurt him.

CW: I’d thought I’d laid that myth to rest. Honeybee was… well, just a pretty face. Literally. An appliance. That’s all.

MC: So the popular romantic idea that Honeybee returned Rabbit’s feelings…

CW: Bunk. Impossible. Geoffrey didn’t have the knowledge to make a robot that sophisticated.

MC: Is that what went wrong? He didn’t know what he was doing?

CW: Essentially, yes. Turns out he was trying, at the last minute, to install a security guard mode into the Honeybee. He got the wires crossed up somewhere and, well…

MC: She socked Rabbit?

CW: So now the whole business is in shambles, Geoffrey is blubbering some half-baked apology and I can’t even squeeze through the crowd to see if Rabbit is alright. Jon and The Spine were there ahead of me. By the time I got there, Jon was holding Rabbit upright in a puddle of water, trying to get him to speak. The Spine was trying to peel Jon off long enough to check for damage.

MC: A puddle of water?

CW: From his liquid reservoir. Water storage. He was leaking from several places… there were even drops of water coming from his eyes. I heard one little girl say he was crying because the bug lady hit him.

MC: Do they cry?

CW: They do, but if they leak anything, it’s oil. But when the reservoir broke, some of the water must have backed up into his head when he hit the floor.

MC: Where was this reservoir?

CW: In the chest area.

MC: So it was kind of like his heart?

CW: If your readers like it that way, fine. There is a certain circulatory quality to it.

MC: Well, it’s just that…

CW: Out with it.

MC: It sounds as if Rabbit had a brief, steamy love affair with a cold, beautiful, mindless woman, who knocked him into next week and broke his heart.

CW: Uh-huh. (pause) Further than next week, though.

MC: Don’t think I’m being flip. I assure you, I’ve been there.

CW: Haven’t we all, Mike? Well, moving back to the story. As I got there, Rabbit’s lens array dimmed and went dark. He gave off one gurgling hiss and went limp. It wasn’t a mere malfunction this time, but a total catastrophic failure, and no wonder. But the only time Jon had seen any of the robots go completely limp was at war, so he started howling, “Rabbit’s dead!” and frightening the children. I sent The Spine for Hatchworth since Jon was about as much help as a dishrag in the state he was in, but by the time they got back, the police had shown up. Geoffrey had switched off Honeybee and made a break for it, so I got to answer all their questions back at the station while Rabbit was being crated by the FBI and hauled off to Washington “pending investigation of the incident.” Pshh.

MC: You don’t believe that?

CW: I believe that even with their service in the Great War, the boys still were not completely trusted by the government, or not by everyone in it. And there were those who wanted nothing better than to get their hands on one of them so that they could find out how it was done, how they are the way they are. This played right into their hands. It was bad enough having to talk to the smirking Chicago police. They kept cracking wise. One of them was joking about a guy Rabbit’s age… he was only 37… falling apart over a skirt. Very funny. And meanwhile, Rabbit’s on his way to some government warehouse or lab.

MC: How long did it take to get him back?

CW: Four months. Four long nearly sleepless months of calling every friend I’d ever had who had any influence in Washington. The President himself stepped in eventually.

MC: That was lucky.

CW: Maybe. Or maybe I just made too much noise not to be heard by the public at some point. At least, that’s what I told them. I did what I had to do. Imagine someone taking away your firstborn son for four months without word. You don’t know how they’re treating him or if you’ll ever see him again. That’s how it felt.

So once I got him back, I went straight into repairs. He had corrosion and even a little mildew, but no signs of anyone trying to access his power source.

MC: Oh, you mean the blue… oops, sorry. I forgot you don’t want that discussed.

CW: No, we don’t discuss that. Don’t forget it again. So I got him back into working order, and it was only then that I realized I might still have a problem.

MC: You mean…

CW: Honeybee. I made a few calls, and found out that Geoffrey had sold what was left to the first man who made him an offer. He wasn’t eager to speak to me, you know. Seemed to think it was all Rabbit’s fault.

MC: Were you able to locate her?

CW: The buyer was nowhere to be found. I assumed she’d been melted down to make iceboxes and toasters. So any half-baked idea I might have had of… well, repairing her, anyway… gone. There was nowhere to go now but forward. I went to the lab with The Spine, Jon, and Hatchworth. We brought Rabbit’s stuffed carrot…

MC: Stuffed carrot?

CW: Yes… when he was new, he took his name a little too much to heart and kept stealing carrots from the pantry. He tried to eat a couple without much success, so he ended up carrying them around until they wilted. When one got too soft, he’d drop it and go steal another one. Finally, Iris, bless her, made him one out of an old velvet pillow so that he could carry it around all he wanted. Well, I just had no idea what I’d face when he came online. And The Spine thought he might want it again, under the circumstances.

I switched him on, waited for him to run through his warm up sequence, watched for the lens to flicker to life, and sure enough, the first words out of his mouth were, “Where’s Honeybee?”

MC: Oh…

CW: My heart sank right down into my socks. Well, I didn’t see any other way but to tell it to him straight out. Sometimes it’s the best way, you know? I’m not sure what I expected him to do once he knew.

MC: So what did he do?

CW: Oh, what didn’t he do… He argued, yelled, blamed Geoffrey, blamed me, blamed the World’s Fair, blamed The Spine for being too tall, blamed Jon for being too shy, insisted I was lying, that everyone else was lying, and went on to argue dozens of different scenarios each of which ended in Honeybee being found intact and aware and just waiting for him to come and save her. He went on for a couple of hours.

MC: My word…

CW: It was heartbreaking, just heartbreaking. I’d never seen the like. They have feelings, I’d always known that, but Rabbit was beside himself. He threw the stuffed carrot across the lab when Jon offered it to him. Hatchworth tried to tell him a Spine joke. Those are his favorites...

MC: Spine joke?

CW: He’d take just about any joke and put The Spine into it. It always made Rabbit laugh. Hatchworth knew a lot of his favorites.

MC: Could I hear a few?

CW: Well, if you like. Why did The Spine cross the road?

MC: Why?

CW: Because he couldn’t figure out how to stop. Another one was, “The Spine walks into a bar and doesn’t notice it because he’s so tall, so he keeps walking in place until he burrows himself into the ground. The end.”

MC: Interesting… Does he not like The Spine?

CW: Not at all… they’re like brothers. They are, in a manner of speaking, twins.

MC: I assume you mean in appearance… but they don’t look alike.

CW: Not when completed, but when I crafted the cranial plates, I used the same form for both. Skull, eyes, nose, mouth, proportion. Take a look sometime. It’s there.

MC: Why were you so fond of that particular face?

CW: (ahem) Look at that portrait to your right.

MC: “Peter A. Walter, 1890.” Ah, I see.

CW: I suppose it’s vanity to want your sons to look like you.

MC: But you changed it for Jon?

CW: I figured two of them with my face would be enough. Where were we? Ah, yes, the jokes.

The jokes didn’t work, so The Spine tried to reason with him. That never works either, but he still tries to do it. It’s kind of his blind spot. Rabbit’s response to this was to kick the wall so hard he cracked his leg. The walls of the lab are reinforced with steel, you see. I had to get The Spine to shut him down again for everyone’s safety, and while I repaired the leg. Besides, I was frankly scared. He’s had tantrums but nothing like that.

I tried it again the next day. He came online and groaned, but he didn’t try to break anything. It was as if he was just exhausted, though I know it makes no sense. He made a few more feeble attempts to argue that Honeybee might still be “alive” but in the end, he just went quiet and still. I didn’t know what else to do, so I had The Spine help me around the lab so that we could keep an eye on him.

Finally, as it was getting late, I went over to see if he was online. He turned his head and looked at me. He said, “Pappy, is there any way you could find her?” and I told him that I wished I could, but that I had no way to know who had bought her. He just nodded his head and told me to give The Jon his stuffed carrot. And he said not to switch him back on unless I found Honeybee. Then he shut down.

MC: Robot suicide?

CW: Somehow it struck me more as a man drowning his troubles in liquor… hiding rather than giving up entirely. If he’d really wanted to die, to.. to stop, he’d have been able to do it. Maybe… maybe he thought even then that there might still be a chance.

I figured he needed time, but when he’s switched off, time stops for him. So each morning, I gently flipped the switch to standby and left him to wake on his own. But each time he’d stand up, move his limbs around a little, and ask if I’d found her. Then he’d switch off.

MC: Did that ever change?

CW: Sure. In time he concluded that I was right, and took to screaming, “No!” or, “Don’t do that again!” every time I put him on standby.

MC: But you kept it up?

CW: Until the day he punched a hole in the wall, yes.

MC: He did? But you said…

CW: Yes, the wall was reinforced with steel. I had to replace the entire hand and patch the arm. It’s not really like him… well, there you go. I guess that’s what it does to you. I didn’t want him to wreck the whole house, so I called the others together and told them I might have to risk removing… well, trying to remove some of Rabbit’s memories… I had no other ideas, so even though I’d never tried it… well, anyway, the other robots saved me from having to attempt it.

MC: They knew what to do?

CW: No, but we figured it out together. The Spine tried to talk me out of my plan, and Hatchworth wanted to know what all the hubbub was about some tomato… you recall he’d been watching those gangster pictures. Jon just hugged the stuffed carrot and hung his head and sniffled…

MC: It seems like Jon was the most upset by Rabbit’s condition.

CW: Well, it’s that childlike nature of his. You see, Rabbit was the only one who would play hopscotch with him.

MC: (laughs)

CW: Yes, it’s hard to imagine, but he did. They started indoors, unfortunately. I think Rabbit was trying to make it up to him for scaring him.

MC: How did he scare him?

CW: He told him a joke…

MC: Another Spine joke?

CW: N-no… an elephant joke.

MC: That scared him?

CW: Well, back in 1897, Jon was actually swallowed by one of the copper elephants. He fought his way out but… well, best to not go into the journey. Anyway, that morning, Rabbit had said, “Hey, Jon, how do you get out of an elephant’s stomach?” Jon screamed and ran through the solarium window.

Once he stopped laughing, Rabbit chased him around for a while to apologize. Next thing you know, they’re upstairs, hopping on the squares in the hall carpet. Went right through the upper landing. Cost me a fortune for the rebuilding and a box of chalk.

MC: Chalk? Oh, of course… to play outside.

CW: The walk out back gets new cement every six months because of the damage. It’s worth every penny.

So, as I was saying, Jon had the stuffed carrot. He kept saying he didn’t want it and kept carrying it anyway. I think he was waiting to give it back.

MC: So he didn’t give up. That’s nice.

CW: He’d also been asking why Rabbit wouldn’t sing. We kept telling him Rabbit didn’t want to right now. We just thought Jon was… well… maybe he was just not understanding. He has his moments… sometimes forgets where he is. We don’t let Jon wander around on his own.

MC: Can’t you fix him?

CW: I’ve said before I think of them as people, as my sons. People are flawed. But I haven’t met a person yet who, for all his flaws, didn’t have something to balance it out. Jon is a good example of that. If I fixed his memory, made him sharper, what would he lose? (pause) Oh, my, I seem to get off the subject a lot.

MC: Not to worry, Colonel. I’m really enjoying the conversation.

CW: Alright, but we had better get on with it. Time is short.

MC: Of course, I don’t want to keep you from other business. Please go on.

CW: It was what Jon said that got The Spine thinking, you see. He reminded me that Rabbit often lets out his troubles through his creative endeavors… he draws very well, for example. A lot of my creations have surprised me by showing talents I never programmed into them, that are in some small way connected to those that I did. Rabbit favors many of the arts. He also sometimes writes a song on the spot when he gets the notion.

MC: He can compose a song that quickly?

CW: (ahem) Robot.

MC: Right.

CW: But he couldn’t let it out if he was shut down, of course. Putting him on standby hadn’t gotten him to do it. He wouldn’t even cry… remember, they do cry. In my experience, a broken heart requires at least some tears to heal… (pause) So… we had to keep him from shutting down. We couldn’t just put a guitar into his hands… he doesn’t play.

MC: You didn’t program him to play guitar?

CW: I tried, you know. He hugged the first guitar I gave him. It didn’t make it. The next one he held properly, but squeezed too hard and snapped the neck in two. That made him laugh. By the third one, he had gotten the idea that you were supposed to break them. Let’s see… he pulled off the strings, shaved the frets with his thumb, popped off the pegs, and swung what was left into a big load-bearing pole in the lab like a man swinging at a baseball. He had a marvelous time. He asked for another one, but I was done. I told him to go out and play with the old shed I’d been thinking of burning down… Thank goodness I explained it to him before The Spine was complete, or we would have had an all accordion band. They all still get nervous when he touches their guitars…

MC: (laughs) So guitar programming went better with The Spine?

CW: A lot of things did. Now, don’t misunderstand me… I love Rabbit. I love them all like my own sons. But a lot of things just came together better with The Spine than with the others.

MC: He’s very popular with the audiences, I recall.

CW: He’s smooth… literally. Rabbit’s the oldest, but somehow The Spine always takes the lead. On stage, on the battlefield. They’re all human to me, but he’s the most… well, the most adult, I suppose. And yet the most obedient… I think.

MC: You’re not sure?

CW: Well, now and then… He’ll have been shut down in his closet all night, and yet when he walks out, he’s wearing a buttonhole.

MC: He wears a buttonhole to sleep? In a closet?

CW: Well, he doesn’t sleep, really. But I think you have the right idea. And the closet is to keep Rabbit from playing pranks.

MC: Does it work?

CW: No. But there have been a few odd things I don’t think were Rabbit’s doing. One morning I could have sworn I smelled perfume… Another time he was humming the latest Gershwin tune in the lab! And more than once, I’ve seen a streak of flesh-colored paint on his collar… either he was wearing it, or dancing with someone who was. Maybe both. (laughs) And he says he doesn’t dance… like fun he doesn’t. Well, if he wants to have his little secrets and play the obedient son, I won’t interfere. If anyone could get away with it, he could. Clearly the ladies don’t only like him on stage. Don’t spread that one around, Mike.

MC: (laughs) If you want, Colonel. But you were telling me how you got Rabbit to sing again?

CW: Oh, you’re right, you’re right… sorry about that. Let’s see… trying to get Rabbit to hear the music… ah yes. So as I was saying, we had to sneak. The Spine suggested playing for him, to see if he might get the idea from that. I thought possibly if we could bring him to awareness slowly, he might have the chance to hear the music and things would run their course. Maybe it would be enough. We took him to the theater… that’s the small theater we have here in the house… and put him in the middle of the stage. I turned on just the footlights, and The Spine switched Rabbit slowly to standby and started playing.

MC: What did he play?

CW: He just quietly strummed. He didn’t know what to play. He would play one way for a minute, then another, and so on… varied. Sometimes it was simple, sometimes not. He could go on like that for hours, of course, and it came to that. We’d agreed that if Rabbit stayed on standby at least, The Spine would keep playing. You could hear the steam softly moving through his systems and that little buzzing sound he makes, so he hadn’t shut down. So it was about four hours into the thing that Rabbit finally stood up.

MC: Did he sing?

CW: Eventually. The Spine went on playing the melody that had gotten a reaction, and after a few minutes, Rabbit started sort of crooning along with it. And then he sang a complete song, all alone, while The Spine did his best to anticipate the next part. He had to stop a couple of times. And when he was done singing, wouldn’t you know it, Rabbit sank forward again!

MC: Another shut down?

CW: No, this time he was on standby again. I suppose it was working… So The Spine started playing the song again and up came Rabbit, sang it all over again. So he just kept playing it. The Spine joined in after a few plays.

MC: What was the song?

CW: Oh, a new one… well, at the time. We just call it Honeybee.

MC: Now, you told me when I telephoned that you’d made a recording of it?

CW: That’s right. That’s why we met in here… it’s where we keep the gramophone. Let me go ahead and play that for you.

(song plays)

MC: (sniffs) Wow… That’s a very sad song. Very beautiful. And he sang it just like that, first time off?

CW: He did. Though I’m not sure he meant to repeat himself at the end the way he did. I think that was a sign he was about to crash… but you see they’ve made it work.

MC: I’m just amazed by the sound of it. I’d never have thought…

CW: That a robot could have written it?

MC: You’ve challenged a lot of what I thought I knew today, Colonel, so I’ll be honest. Yes, that a robot could have written it.

CW: I understand. Yes, Mike, you’re right. It is very sad, and very beautiful. And they never sing it on stage.

MC: That’s a shame. Is it still too much for Rabbit?

CW: Yes. He often malfunctions while singing it.

MC: Ah, yes, I heard. So how long did they sing it that night?

CW: I lost track. It went on most of the night, I know that. Jon went up after about half an hour to give Rabbit his carrot… he took it that time, by the way… and started singing along, too. Hatchworth and several of the household staff sat in the audience and cried.

MC: (laughs) I thought Hatchworth didn’t understand what all the hubbub was about.

CW: He’s all talk, really. He’s a softy. Makes an awful mess when he cries, though. The maids kept having to fetch towels and wipe up oil leaks. Rabbit nearly emptied his reservoir.

MC: Ah, finally, the tears he needed.

CW: If I’d known they were going to be able to cry, I’d have found another way to lubricate the eye sockets. But yes, he was finally crying. I was glad to see it. If Rabbit felt anything like I had when… (pause)

MC: Colonel?

CW: (cough) Well, if he felt anything like humans feel after a heartbreak, he had the choice of crying, going mad, or dying. He’d given the latter two a try already. It didn’t fix everything, of course. Once in a while, though thankfully not so much anymore, we still find him mysteriously offline. If he doesn’t let anyone switch him back on, they haul him off to the theater and run through the whole routine again. It’s like going to see a psychiatrist I suppose.

MC: What triggers it, do you think?

CW: Well, we don’t dare leave him alone in the flower garden, certainly… bees, you know. But you know, sometimes it’s hard to explain what reminds a person of something. Some sight or sound surprises you and it’s as though no time had gone by at all… you feel that same emptiness… (pause) You know, Mike, you look back a lot when you’re near the end of your life…

MC: Oh, surely you have years yet, Colonel!

CW: I don’t know about that. They say sometimes you know… you get a feeling the ferry boat is on its way. And some days, I can almost hear her voice, calling from across that river… Wait… (pause) Sorry… I thought I heard someone at the door. Well, never mind. It’s easy for us, for humans. We forget, or we die, and the troubles of life are left behind. But not Rabbit… I just hope that there will be a time when he stops shutting down every time he thinks of her, and asks to sing “Honeybee” instead of having to be carried in to do it. Then after that, maybe he’ll be able to get through the song without shutting down repeatedly. Then maybe without shutting down at all. I don’t know how long that would take, though. The worst malfunctions always happen after he mentions kissing her hand. Brings back unpleasant memories, I suppose…

(knock)

I beg your pardon, Mike. Come in! (pause) A little further… (pause) What’s come over you, Rabbit?

Rabbit: Th-Th-The Spine said it’s time for lunch, Pappy.

MC: They’re here? But I thought they were still in Europe!

CW: Some of them are. I asked them to give some of my boys leave for a little while. I wanted to see them. I didn’t know The Spine had arrived yet.

Rabbit: (pause) He just got here. He said he d-d-d-didn’t want to interrupt.

CW: Of course he didn’t. Come on in, Rabbit.

MC: Well, this is wonderful! I didn’t expect to get to meet them. So, Rabbit, has it been exciting, having people take a new interest in The Steam Man Band?

Rabbit: Has who taken a n-n-new what, now?

MC: A new interest…

Rabbit: Was there an old one? Did people have an interest, Pappy? Where d-d-did it go?

CW: Eaten by dragons.

Rabbit: Of c-c-c-course!

MC: I beg your pardon?

Rabbit: Who are you?

MC: The name’s Mike Connor. Pleased to meet you.

Rabbit: I know.

CW: He just means that you mentioned it already.

MC: I understand. So, Rabbit…

Rabbit: Yes, Mr. Man?

MC: Are you enjoying all the attention from your fans?

(pause)

Rabbit: Which kind?

MC: Um…

Rabbit: Do I have f-f-fans, Pappy? You said they belonged to the house.

CW: I did say that.

Rabbit: But I don’t g-g-g-get attention from them!

MC: Not that kind of…

Rabbit: I talk to them anyway, though.

MC: …fan.

Rabbit: I have to spin around when I do it. That’s j-j-just good manners.

MC: Rabbit…

Rabbit: The Spine can’t spin around. His head will pop off. (laughs)

CW: I don’t think he understands the kind of questions you’re asking. He doesn’t usually do interviews.

Rabbit: (stops laughing abruptly) S-S-So… what did you and the man talk about, Pappy?

MC: Oh, this and that…

Rabbit: Humans are always t-t-t-talking about that.

CW: They are.

Rabbit: But… which ones? Did you talk about fish?

CW: No, not fish.

Rabbit: Sandwiches?

CW: No.

Rabbit: Maybe… Fish sandwiches?

CW: Rabbit…

Rabbit: Melissophobia?

CW: Melissophobia?

Rabbit: Did you… (pause)

MC: Yes?

Rabbit: I thought I heard you say… (pause) D-D-D-Did you talk about Ho… Ho… Ho…

CW: What?

Rabbit: Merry Christmas.

MC: It’s not…

Rabbit: About… about Ho… Hon… Honey… H-H-Honeybee…?

(pause)

CW: Rabbit…

Rabbit: Honeybee…

MC: Is he…

CW: Wait, Mike…

Rabbit: (loudly rattling) P-P-P-Papp-py…

CW: You alright, old boy?

Rabbit: I-I-I n-n-n-need…

CW: Need what?

Rabbit: I n-n-need t-to… to… goodbyeMrMikeConnorsit’sbeenapleasure…

(crash)

Rabbit: (distant) The Spine! THE S-SPINE!

CW: There goes another door. We go through a lot of those. We keep extras in a shed.

MC: But… what just happened, Colonel?

CW: A little step forward. I didn’t think I’d live to see it. Well, now… how would you like to come and hear Honeybee performed live in our little theater?

MC: Well… I’d be glad to, Colonel.

CW: Good. We’ll need to get in there soon in case he malfunctions.

MC: Of course. End recording.

Less than a week later, Colonel Peter Walter passed away peacefully in his sleep. So passes one of the greatest scientific minds of his day. I am told that one of the last things he said to his sons, both flesh and metal, was that he loved them.


End file.
